Sunday, 9 March 2014

Looking at water

Eh. I'll just go up to the next exit and go home that way. 

My foot remained firmly planted on the gas. 

Well, I'll drive up the interstate for a bit, then take the scenic way home. 

Still, didn't budge. 

Somewhere in my ankle, words were being spoken. Softly, reverberating along empty corridors, the voice found its way up to my head. But by then, my foot was already following those muffled orders.

 Sometimes my body is more spiritual than my soul. 

I'd 'felt' that voice before. It took my legs up mountains, it tapped 'purchase' when thinking about getting a train ticket. It takes me away from noise, into places where there were pillars of fire by night. 

'You need a vacation' 

The words of a friend from earlier in the day decide to pay a visit. It knocks on the front door and sits down on the couch. Even after a couple cups of coffee, they still won't leave. 

Okay, fine, I'll go for a walk in a town on the coast. 

I took a couple wrong turns. Which is nothing unordinary. 

Brief moments of deja vu. Probably breaks in the space-time continuum. But for whatever reason, the coast looked a little bit like Europe. And that pothole too. That gas station reminds me of a family road tri- oh wait, that did happen. I've used their bathroom and then my sister and I picked out some donuts. 

Oh, and a friend from college and I played music on that beach. 

I get out, start walking. It's beautiful. The first warmish day in a while. Seagulls are being noisy, water is lapping up against the rocks. Every now and again, a parent and child walk by. 

'So. We going to talk?' 

Oh that's why You brought me out here?

'Don't play dumb.'

Fine. Just... just give me a minute. 

'Fair enough.'

Shops, pubs, used bookstores, greet me. 

I hope no one things I'm crying. It's just the cold air. 

'Don't you have better things to think about?'

Fine. You know I'd love to talk. But I don't know where to start. 

'Just start somewhere.' 

Okay. Well, Lord, I pray for Ukraine - please-'

'Stop putting me over there. I'm not 'over there.' I'm right here.' 

Ugh. Alright. Well, I'm worried about my career. About where to do my next degree, if I'm cut out for-

'Stop putting me in the future. I'm right here.' 

That's all I know how to talk about. 

'I know. But that's what I'm here for.' 

I know. 


I just don't know how to let You get close. It scares me. 

'Which is why work, other people, other parts of the world, are so much easier to talk about.'

Yes. I know. I guess it's like that sermon I had to listen to for class the other day. 

'The one about Mary and Martha?'

Yeah, that one. It's not so much that I love to serve more than I love You. I can be pretty lazy, honestly.  It's...

'It's that being busy - especially in your thoughts, more than in real life, honestly - is safe. It keeps me in the other room.' 

Yeah. And I do that to people too. 

'Well of course you do. They're persons. Just like me. A being that is not you. It's not a safe place to be.'

So what do I do? 

'First, you stop asking those sorts of questions. You use those to make space, too. Just know that I love you. I always will. You can always be in the room with Me. There's nothing to be afraid of. Nothing I can't take. Nothing I can't hold. Nothing I can't cherish.' 

I know. It's just really hard to remember some times. 

'I know.' 

Can't you just help me let that be enough?
 Gosh, that really is a good song...


'I mean it, Kyle. Always. I'm always, always, always, here. Always.' 

Oh look, that's a pretty starfish on that building. 

'Remember those days I used to tell you to look up at the stars, to remind you that I was with you?'

How could I forget?

'Then, remember.' 

I think I'll go home and write this down. Probably put it on my blog. 

'You know you're going to put words in my mouth and embellish it to make you look all cool and holy and 'authentic,' right?' 

Yes. I know I will. 

'Okay. Go for it. Just don't forget - you're really not all that great at prose.' 

Fair enough. 

Some days you just need to drive off, and look at some water. 

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